I Know What I See

Last week I did not get my weekly blog out, and at first there was a sense of guilt over it. I’ve been sitting with that more than I expected to and decided to let it go. Not to fret over it. I had started writing a piece around Zach Bush and how his voice touched me, and how it connects into what I want to build within the Cellular Remembrance Method. I kept telling myself I was "trying" to complete it. That word alone says everything. I was not truly trying. I was not anchored. I would open it, look at it, feel the weight of what I wanted to say, and then walk away from it.

The truth is, yes, I have been very busy. There were family moments that were extremely important, there were events, there were opportunities to work in clinic for offices that request me to fill in. There were things that mattered. I gave myself permission to not push it out before it was ready, and I don’t regret that. But even when I had the space to come back to it, something in me didn’t want to sit down and finish it. I was exhausted, I was uninspired, I was genuinely not interested. That’s the part that is so hard to explain, even to myself.

There is a huge shift happening right now, and I can feel it in every part of my life. My client work is down. Visibility feels extremely quiet. The direction I feel pulled toward feels like it’s ahead of where people are ready to meet me, so I find myself researching to see what people need from me right now. And as a Generator, that matters more than I think I’ve wanted to admit. I don’t create well from nothing. I am meant to respond. I refine and build from interaction. When that response isn’t there or doesn’t align, it doesn’t feel like passionate flow, it feels like I am pushing.

So, I’ve just been sitting in that space of knowing and not moving. The space between having something to say and not being able to say it in a way that feels heard.

And if I’m being honest, I’ve leaned on sources outside of myself more than I want to. Because they help me organize, structure, and finish what I think and what I want to say in a way that people resonate with. Through my life I have learned to believe not to trust my natural voice, because historically I haven’t felt heard. The problem is, with these support tools, it doesn’t always feel like me. It sounds great, but it is starting to sound like everyone else. And I notice it now when I read other people’s work too. There’s a sameness to it, a polish that removes the personal ideas from my message. I do not want that, and I do not think you want that either.

What I do as a practitioner is not about repeating information. I do not cite research or speak in big words and biochemical pathways. I understand the science, the pathways, the technical language, but that’s not how it moves through me. It comes through as patterns, as connections, as messages, as something that makes sense in my mind and in the body. I can see what the body is wanting and asking for. I can feel when something is out of rhythm. That’s the work I offer clients and the method that I trust. So, it’s been extremely confronting to sit here and ask myself why I’m not moving in it the way I thought I would be by now.

At the same time, my own body has been pushing back and asking for something different. I’ve been researching, applying, adjusting, trying to support myself the way I support others, and it feels like my body is resisting everything. I am again at a point where I have to stop and ask, what am I not hearing for myself? What am I still trying to control instead of allowing to flow?

And that question is hard to face when you are the one people come to for guidance.

There is another layer of this that I haven’t really noticed come up before now, and it feels very uncomfortable, but it’s here. For the first time since I started building this work, I’ve wondered if I’m on the wrong path. I believe in what I see and how I work, but the external reflection of it isn’t matching what I thought it would look like by now. That can get into my head if I let it, and honestly, right now it is living rent free in my thoughts.

There are moments where I just want to step out of all of it. To not have to make this into something that supports me financially. To not have to think about visibility or consistency or what comes next. To go somewhere on my Astrocartography line, somewhere remote, quiet, in nature, and just live in it. Let the work exist without needing it to perform or be my job.

That thought doesn’t mean that I am giving up. It means that I am tired of forcing something that isn’t landing the way I thought it would.

With the new moon this week, and the stellium of planets influencing the astrological energy, I have sat with this and observed what I am feeling. And when I sit with it a little longer, I don’t actually feel lost. I feel stagnation, and a slowing down for clarity.

I still know what I see and how I help others. That hasn’t gone anywhere. If anything, it’s clearer. What I feel shifting is how I say it, how much I say, and how much I try to make sure it’s understood before I even put it out.

Maybe that’s the part that needs to change. Not more information, more effort, or more explanation. But less. One clear idea, said cleanly, without overstating. That feels uncomfortable for me, but it should feel right for the reader.

So that’s where I am this week. I am not here with a perfectly refined message or a fully built system to share just yet, but with a willingness to trust what comes through without overworking it.

I know what I see and the value of my messages, just like the messages I help my clients see.

I will be showing up within this context in the coming weeks.

To honor what I’ve shared here, I will continue with weekly blogs, but they will be shorter, more focused, and less intense. This gives me the space to reconnect with my personal voice and create in a way that supports me both financially and energetically.

And I want you to know, your presence here matters more than you probably realize. It is my invitation to continue. Hearing from you, working with you, and the ways you support my work through Substack, my Linktree, or my affiliates is what allows me to keep doing this in a way that feels real and sustainable.

If this resonates, I would truly love to hear from you.